In preparation for Eurovision 2017, this blog provides an indispensable guide to the hilarity that is the Eurovision Song Contest. One country at a time.
How dare you! Lithuania is a beautiful country.
Oh? You've been?
Well... no. But I assume it has trees, and lakes, and such.
No doubt it does.
Why the shade then?
In Eurovision, at least, Lithuania is the least successful of the three Baltic states. The other two, Latvia and Estonia, have each won the competition once, and have sent in some excellent songs over the years. Lithuania has not. Distinctly so.
THE MISTAKEN PROPHECY
The closest Lithuania have ever come to winning was with this slice of nonsense:
People are booing! Terrible.
It was a divisive entry, no doubt.
Silly lyrics, megaphones, obvious attempts at pandering to several languages - what's not to like?
The music.
So they weren't the winners?
No. The title proved to be wrong. But they did finish 6th, which is the best they've ever done. For the opposite case, see Iceland's unfortunately named 'All out of Luck' which, finishing a close second, did indeed live up to its title.
BEST EYEBROW ACTION
They never stop moving:
Magnificent. BEST TEAR-AWAY
Everyone likes a good reveal.
Sparkly underwear, taut political commentary, fake instruments, a vague understanding of music - this song has it all! You're telling me the 'winners of Eurovision' guys did better than this gem?
They did.
Travesty! MOST DUBIOUS FASHION CHOICE
A hard call, this one. On the one hand, there's this sci-fi leather daddy ballerina situation:
Umm...
But on the other hand, there's this distinct sartorial choice:
Uhh... MOST EFFECTIVE
As far as I'm concerned, Lithuania have never done better than this:
Aww, sweet. But that's a bit... normal, no?
It's happy, shiny, and just a little too earnest at times. What more do you want?
Dancers in gimp masks? Explosions? References to European medieval history?
I forgot you're that kind of fan.
THIS YEAR'S CONTENDER: So, will Lithuania manage to finally get that win this year?
No.
Rising Star? Haven't Belgium been around for a while?
As long as can be. Belgium participated in the very first contest, back in 1956.
Ancient! Surely they have a rich and successful history?
Not as such. Belgium's only won once, and has had, in the past, a tendency to be the buffer.
The buffer? Does it take all their songs a while to load up?
No. It's just that historically, Belgium had the tendency to serve as a nice cushion for terrible songs.
Huh?
Let's say you decide to send a terrible song. You think it'll come in last. But actually, out of the blue, there's Belgium with a song that isn't so much terrible as boring, and they stop you from hitting rock bottom.
That's a valuable service!
It is! Israel, for instance, has twice now found a really crappy song saved from the bottom of the chart by some forgettable Belgian ditty.
Are all Belgian songs throwaways?
By no means. In the last few years in particular, Belgium has been sending hit after hit. In 2015 and 2016 they had excellent songs, and 2017 continues an excellent trend. They're making an unexpected comeback, and hopefully they won't sink back to their old habits.
BEST PERFORMANCE IN A NONSENSE LANGUAGE
2003's Urban Trad came seemingly out of nowhere, capturing second place with a song sung entirely in gibberish:
Pretty! Kind of laid back, for Eurovision, but I suppose there has to occasionally be something like that.
It caught on well - 2003 was one of the closest contests ever, with Turkey managing to win over Belgium just at the last voting country.
Exciting!
And expected, in the case of Turkey. It was Belgium who turned out to be the dangerous wildcard.
MOST UNFORTUNATE QUESTION
Would you?
No. THE UNDERAGE WINNER
So, how old is this lady below?
I don't know? 18 or so?
Think lower. 16?
As that is the minimal age you have to be to compete in the contest, that seems like a good guess. But try lower.
Err, 13? That's a bit of a stretch.
But also correct.
What the hell did they do to her? She looks a bit like a bedraggled middle-aged woman. Between the weird costumes, the lights in the hall, and the dubious make-up choices, this happens almost every year, to someone. Israel's 2015 entry was 16. He did not look a day under 35. Yikes. UNEXPECTED YET DELIGHTFUL CREEP FACTOR
There are many songs that compete for creepiest in terms of sound and lyrics, but for my money, few reach the levels of Loic Nottet's face at around the 2:10 mark onwards:
Ooo. Modern.
By Eurovision standards, practically futuristic.
Creepy but cute. That whole performance is adorably weird. All the goosestepping and standing on people. Not to mention the lyrics being about barebacking.
What now?
Nothing. Forget it. BEST USE OF ROBERT PALMER INSPIRATION
The dancers were the real attraction for the 2013 entry:
No kidding. Those ladies are killing it. And possibly about to kill him? The dude looks terrified.
My bet is that he's there under duress. Look how relieved he is to be done. He knows he'll get to live another day.
THIS YEAR'S CONTENDER
For your consideration, Blanche:
Pretty. But where's the kitsch? The camp? This is all very... architectural?
You're not wrong. The song is unusual, for a Eurovision entry.
I can't see this being exciting on stage.
It'll be tricky, no doubt about that. They're going to have to pull off a hell of a stage show to keep people interested.
I foresee the return of the flying light sphere. Or several. Or maybe a pterodactyl, with a neon cape and...
Focus.
Sorry. So does this stand a chance?
It's actually one of the frontrunners. People do seem to love the song. But in Eurovision, it's not all about the song. It remains to be seen whether Blanche has any charisma on stage.
My guess - she'll finish somewhere in the middle. I can't see this going too far.
Ah, but how do you know the rest aren't even worse? Speaking of which, next up: Lithuania.
